Thoughts on becoming a mother...

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be good too if given the chance..

I will be a good mother not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother!

More Baby Frustrations

I'm not really sure how much I have talked about our troubles conceiving and the trouble we have had trying to have a family of our own... but I want to take the time to tell everyone what has been going on with us and vent a little about things. This is MY blog and MY life... at this moment its a VERY important part of my life so I want to share with you and hopefully I wont share anything that is too uncomfortable for anyone, and if I do I greatly apologize.

My husband and I have been together 11 years this September. We have been married since August 2nd 2003. I have only been with 1 man, my husband in my life, and my husband has only been with me. I have not been on birth control since I was 18 years old and he has never used protection. (Stupid and something I definitely DO NOT condone) But when we were married we decided what ever happens, happens, and welcomed the opportunity of a family. For us it didn't happen that way. I have never conceived... and we have been trying for so long now. Last year we decided that maybe Adoption was our only option. So we went through an ordeal where we thought we were going to adopt and the parents decided before the child was born that they wanted to keep the child. That was pretty difficult for me because I jumped the gun and really thought it was going to work out. So I had all the stuff for the baby and everything. Now I know that I should have waited until the very last moment so that I knew that it was definite or not, and then maybe I wouldn't have went through such a huge emotional heartbreak. I told myself that I would never go through a situation like that again. I wouldn't open myself up for that kind of let down..... low and behold I didn't keep to my word at all and ended up being a sucker again.

My friend from high school found me on facebook and we were talking about kids and things and I mentioned that we have none and was telling her about the troubles we have been having etc. During all of our conversations she mentioned that she thought she could be pregnant and knew that she would not be able to take care of the child if she was. She asked me if Tim and I would be interested in adopting the child if she were pregnant. I blatantly told her that I did not want to set myself up for heartbreak again and that I was really skeptical of the situation only because I don't want to be hurt again. She told me that she understood and ASSURED me that it would never be like that because she couldn't hurt me that way. Let me say that this is not just some girl I went to school with. I grew up with her. I have known her since before Kindergarten and we practically grew up together. So I trusted her. After have many talks with her and a ton of serious conversations with Tim we told her that we would be honored. On Mother's Day night at around 11 or 12 she called me crying her eyes out and told me that she needed a place to stay and that she was kicked out of her home because her boyfriend broke up with her. So we got the money together to get her a bus ticket from NC to here and we went and picked her up Monday night. I wanted to help her but I let her know that I was also concerned for the child and if she was pregnant I wanted her to be here so that we could be there to help her during the pregnancy. Monday afternoon we talked seriously about the entire situation and I told her that I was VERY VERY worried about getting hurt. She again assured me that I wouldn't get hurt and that she was serious.. That night when Tim came home from work I told him about our talks and we were super excited about everything. On Tuesday morning we were sitting in our living room and I mentioned something regarding the adoption/pregnancy so that she could verify with Tim and she said that she was not pregnant that she had started her period. That really upset me but I shook it off and she mentioned that she still wanted to give us a family and that she would be interested in being a surrogate. So we looked up all the necessary information that morning. Tuesday night I asked her something else about it and she said... 'I just don't know this is all moving too fast.' So I left things alone and figured that she might be a bit overwhelmed. No problem. Nothing was mentioned or talked about further. However she spent most of the night on my computer and phone talking to her 'ex' boyfriend and some guy she knows in Colorado. I found it a bit odd that she was talking to her 'ex' that just booted her out the door... I know I wouldn't be talking to him! On Tuesday night when Tim got home from work I talked to him and told him that I felt that something was wrong and that she was changing her mind. I got that from her vibe, the things she was telling me in her convos with these guys, and just the over all atmosphere of our talks. I started to worry.. so we agreed to sit her down Wednesday and talk about it. Wednesday morning I said 'We have been talking and we really need to know where you are with all of this and if you are going to change your mind.'... Her statement was 'Well honestly I think this is all moving too fast. I have been thinking and I just want time for myself. I want to focus on me and I don't think this is what I want right now. I have been talking to ____ and he wants me to come to Colorado to visit so he got me a bus ticket and I will be leaving Saturday night.' So she basically turned 360 on us. I told her that I honestly was letting her stay with me because I thought she needed the help and we were helping her because she was helping us. I told her how important this was to us and then I had to leave the room. I cried all day and all night over it. I couldn't stop crying because she did just what she said she would NOT do to me. She ended up changing her ticket for Friday evening and that is when she left. My father in law took her to the bus station and I was under the impression that she was going to Colorado. However my father in law over heard her talking to someone on the phone and saw her ticket that said she was going to North Carolina. She claims that she went to NC and that the guy from Colorado flew to NC to get her luggage and stuff and drive her back to Colorado, but it doesn't add up to me. I don't believe it, I really think she went back to the fellow she was with in NC and just didn't know how to tell me. She lied to us. I found out after she left that she borrowed money from my in-laws and I really think she used us for a vacation to get away and money. I think she lied to us knowing she was never pregnant and never intended to help us in any way.

I can't see myself trusting another person in a situation like this. I'm hurt... and it really makes me lose hope on having a family.

To add to the stress my mother in law tells me that my sister in law is late and that upsets me because if she's pregnant she is able to give them another grandchild and I can't even give them one. I can't give my husband what we both want so much and I feel the pressure every single day from it. I find myself being envious of everyone who has children or who is pregnant... I feel myself feeling bitter and sad all at the same time. Its hard, and I'm sad... thats all I can say about it to be honest. She hurt me in the worst way, she pretended to give me something that means more to me than anything in this world, something I want soooo badly that I would practically do anything for it... and she just took it away with a snap of the finger. She teased me.... and for her to be such a 'good friend' is what hurts me the most. If I can't trust someone I grew up with from practically a baby.. who can I trust?

I would die for that...

Over at Real Life Reslers she posted a touching blog entry about her struggles with PCOS and shared this video. I had to share this because like Trinity, we are also struggling with having a baby. We have been trying since 2003 and it seems to be getting harder and harder each month that nothing happens. I constantly have conflicting thoughts about how unfair it is that children are born every single day that no one wants, or that are neglected or abused by their parents. I know that its in God's hands, but its so unfair. This song and video literally made me cry like a baby, and sort of brought me down a little tonight because its making me think about the time ticking away, and wanting answers as to why this is happening to us....

Anyway, I just wanted to share this video, and for anyone who is also struggling with this issue, know that you're not alone. I know just how you must be feeling, and I'm there to support anyone who is in need of it.

With Love,

Andrea